Hallmark Holliday

There are some things in this world that exist without explanation. Miley Cyrus, Dog Boutiques and Easter are among them. Easter is one of those Holidays in which small children are able to run rampant through the house looking for brightly colored plastic eggs containing candy. These eggs are supposedly left by the "Easter Bunny", an ambiguously mysterious character whom many regard to be the retarded cousin of Santa Clause. How did this tradition come to pass? Where in the history of Christianity does the Resurrection of Christ come to be symbolized by candy, eggs and bunnies? Some symbolist have procured the weak response that the egg represents "New Beginnings", in a sense the "Rebirth" of Christ. This is all malarkey. Everyone knows quite well that Easter has been robbed of its humble roots. Hallmark and American Society have consumerized this Holy tradition. Ultimately they have brainwashed us into associating Easter with buying cheap plastic eggs and watching as our kids flail mindlessly about searching for them. They have made us bedizen this humble acknowledgment to the point of disillusionment. My opinion is that you should throw out your PAAS Egg Dying Kit, your multicolored plastic Easter eggs and the practice of publicly humiliating your kids, for a more soulful experience. If your not Christian (like I am) spend it with family. If your not around family (like I am), spend it drinking and playing poker. However, don't get caught up in what is ultimately a Hallmark Holiday.

Downpours and Due Dates

So it's Monday and I've got a mad case of the Blues. Today began with classes and a torrential downpour. I must be in Eugene, I thought, as rain bogged down my boots. Its quite a shocker to come from the beautiful shores of a Tropical Paradise and find myself knee deep in textbook readings and puddles. It's not all bad. With each new term brings a chance for new beginnings. A chance for me to own the neophytes at French composition and wow them with my knowledge of verb conjugation. It's a good feeling, although fleeting. Because soon I feel the pinch of due dates and the pressures of pre-mid-term quizzes. There is one thing I look forward to, especially now while soaking from my last venture outside. And that is, nicer weather. Soon enough we'll all be able to say goodbye to the raincoats and broken umbrellas and hello to shorts and sunshades. So here's to the new term! Welcome back to reality.

I'm Baaaaaaack!

Tiger's coming back! Isn't that great news? It is if you are the PGA or one of Tiger's few remaining sponsors. The PGA will boost its ratings once again and sponsors will get a little air-time. There is a problem, however. The problem is, who will play with Woods? Stricker? Garcia? Poulter? Cabrera? The PGA can't legally make anyone play with Him, they can only ask those who might be interested and cross there fingers. Why does it matter? Take into consideration that whoever is in Tigers group at the Masters will be bombarded with cameramen and TV crews all vying for a shot of the Badboy himself. This is cause for a distraction to anyone, and with the most important Major of the year on the line I would believe that the other Pros would want to keep far away from Woods. If I were to ask anyone to play with Tiger in the first round, I'd ask either Harrington or Cabrera. Both of whom have played with him in high-stakes tournaments and it seems that the media frenzy doesn't get to them as bad the others. Again, this is only a recommendation. The PGA can't assign anyone to Tigers group so the line-up is still a mystery. What's not a mystery is that His return to golf signals a revival of viewership and a breath of life into the PGA. Welcome back Tiger, you were sorely missed.

Tech Trends

Ok, I was wrong about the iPad. It seems Apple has outsmarted the Tech curve again. Or maybe it's because they are the ones making the curve. Either way, they know exactly where the Tech market is going and they plan to be there when it hits. What is changing you may be asking? Features, baby, a lack of features. Stripped down versions of Tech gadgets are what the people want. Minimalistic Applications and websites like "Do This Now" and Twitter are signaling a change in consumer tendencies away from "The one thing that does everything" to "the one thing that does it's one job extremely well and will never let you down." So forget the iPad as a contender to Tablet PC's, and start thinking about it as a highly efficient text reader and innovative minimalistic piece of Technology. I've always believed that people who have too many choices will ultimately turn out unhappy and depressed. Take this for example, you walk into a Gap and ask for a pair of jeans. The sales representative asks you if you'd like low rise, boot cut, straight leg, stone washed, button fly, ETC. You decided on the stone washed boot cut zip fly. They fit great, but you can't help but feel like you've failed, because what if there was another combo that fits better? This doubt clouds your conscious and the jeans become an object of contempt for you. They signify your failure. The same thing happens when people are faced with overly complex application ridden pieces of Technology. Given, those of us who understand all the Gizmos on those items get off on being able to do some ludicrous tasks that have no pertinent function in real life. Unless said person is a programmer. As for the rest of us, we're stuck wading through the complex technical jargon of the Troubleshooting Guides. The iPad is battling this and it will be at the forefront once again when this trend catches on.

"I love my Thugs"

Friday will be a busy day for the Lane County Circuit Court. Not only will they be hearing the assault case for U of O Runningback Lamichael James, but also the theft charges involving Quarterback Masoli and Wide Receiver Garret Embry. Back on January 17th I wrote a blog concerning Lemichaels assault. In it I stated the U of O was out a star Runningback and our Student Body was nonplussed about what would happen next. Well now we have at least a few answers. Lamichael recently changed his claim from Non-Guilty to No Contest. The result? A plea bargain. He can now come onto campus (initially he was banned due to a restraining order), he can return to classes and athletic programs. This means he must attend a Batterers Intervention Program along with other punishments. As great as this seems, the victory is bittersweet. The charge still stands that James assaulted his girlfriend and that's something that stay with him his whole life. Football star or not. As for Masoli and Embry, the story remains the same. Either players clean up their act or come next year students shirts will read "I love my Thugs" instead of "I love my Ducks".

Cameron, Bigelow, Martin, Baldwin and Bridges

Forget it. These are the words that should have been said to James Cameron last night at the 82nd Academy Awards. Forget Best Director, forget Best Motion Picture, forget sweeping the Oscars. Case and point, the better movie won. Kathryn Bigelow's vision and drive toppled Cameron's budget and technology. It was Goliath versus David once again, that is if David was a woman and also Goliath's ex-wife. I will say, Avatar got what it deserved. Art Direction and Special Effects were a no-brainier. Since most of the cinematography was done on a computer, I was unsure about Avatar receiving the Oscar for it. But, just as well, I was happy with this years momentous awards. Kathryn being the first woman ever to receive an Oscar for Directing or Best Picture could not come at a better time, or for a better movie. It just goes to show how progressive those stuffy Academy judges have become, or maybe their just acting... However, one thing I must gripe about was the selection of Martin and Baldwin double emceeing. They seemed unrehearsed and the languor of their performances cause a crucial delay in delivering their punch lines. Overall it was half-assed and disappointing. Nevertheless Jeff Bridges made up for their folly, by showing he truly is "The Dude". He broke the record for the number of times someone said "Man" in their acceptance speech. Far out man, far out. That's all I have today.

Take Your Bets

With the lights low and the electric atmosphere of being at the Kentucky Derby, a pack of Chicago Natives are packed around the center table at Big Joe's dive bar. People are yelling, shouting obscenities and making bets. Money is exchanging hands and the bar is alive with excitement. The same crazed excitement one would feel at the Super Bowl or the NBA Championship. But this isn't the Super Bowl or NBA Championship. The players aren't dressed in jerseys or pads, but in shells and green skin. See, the newest gig for Chicago bars now-a-days isn't Beer Pong or Quarters, it's Turtle Racing. One drink buys you One raffle ticket and come race time Six lucky contestants are assigned to One of Six turtles. The winner gets a T-shirt, the loser, a complimentary shot. I guess the shot is to help drown the sorrows of losing a Turtle Race. One would think that watching a bunch of Turtles lazily crawling around on a table would be somewhat, uh, Boring? But it's not. With emotions running so high, oftentimes the results come down to a dead heat with One Turtle emerging as Victor. Now, PETA be advised, this practice is perfectly legitimate. Before getting your Birch-Wood Undies in a bind know that there is a trained Turtle Handler who sees to it that no Reptiles are harmed in the making of this truly exciting pastime.

The Naked Co-Ed Shopping Spree

Portland is known for a lot of things; bridges, coffeehouses, hipsters, outdoor market places and nudity, are just a few. Porlanders love to be naked. So I wasn't surprised when I heard what happened last weekend at the Red Light Clothing Exchange on Southeast Hawthorn. It's called the Naked Co-Ed Shopping Spree, where 4 lucky contestants strutted their stuff in hopes to win some free clothes and a $100 gift certificate.
The gig was that contestants must start out completely naked and when the whistle is blown they have 3 minutes to dress themselves with as many articles of clothing possible. There is an option to wear underwear, however you get docked 1 article of clothing from your total at the end.
To deal with the anxiety of being naked in front of a store-full of people, Felisha Ledsma, a 22 year-old musician, said she played Chopin and Satie on her piano all day before the competition.
All the contestants dressed furiously, hands flashed in a crazed blur as each grappled for shirts, shorts, robes and shoes. The winner, a 37 year-old writer named Rich Vailmackin won with 20 pieces of clothing, which he counted while doing a strip tease to "Foxy Lady".
This just goes to show that the motto "Keep Portland Weird" has been taken to heart. These Portlanders pride themselves on having Naked Shopping Sprees and being liberated from the taboos of Public Nudity. It defines them. It's who they are and nothing, not even the law, will stand in their way.